Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
