my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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