my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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