i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize