She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
