I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
this will be a night to untag.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
