I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There r osticjed everywhere
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
