If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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