He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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