I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
