I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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