Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
