Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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