is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize