If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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