Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
