if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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