i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
