Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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