i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
