Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize