Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
