My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
