i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
