Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
