look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
