Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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