i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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