Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize