You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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