I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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