I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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