I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The ass gains better be worth it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
