She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
