Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize