So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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