gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
