I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
