When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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