i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
