I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
