yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
