don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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