: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize