Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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