i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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