I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
