He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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