We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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