how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
50% drunk capacity currently
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize