I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
