does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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