Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize