In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
This toilet bowl is my home.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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