Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
