Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
