Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
