So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
