her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My friends, they love my intelligence
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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