either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
